


No Looking Back

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Canon, Ethan Gold Bashing, M/M, Points of View
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-23
Updated: 2004-06-10
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:18:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin and Brian never met and Justin hooked-up with Ethan. Now Justin is making changes and needs some help to get himself back...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

~Justin POV~

I'm walking along the streets of the New York City back home from work. 'Home'… Yeah right... Ethan's place hasn’t been home for me in a long time... I'm walking slowly, hoping that maybe if I'll walk slowly enough I'll never get there. Unfortunately, after a while, I'm there. I climb up the stairs and unlocked the door, the apartment is empty.

 

I start making supper so that when Ethan got here it will be ready. Finished, I'm trying to ignore the feeling of pain that floats all over my body as I'm cleaning the flat. Most of the apartment is quite a rack, like it always is after I have a fight with Ethan, or in other words, after Ethan decides I've done something wrong and beats the shit out of me. As I'm cleaning the place my mind travels to the events of the previous night. 

 

Last night was actually nothing out of the ordinary. I was coming back to the apartment from work at the restaurant where I've been working since I left home and my 'loving family' seventeen months ago, at the age of (almost) eighteen. I was doing some over time and when I got back Ethan was already there, he was angry.

 

"Hey, how long..." I started before being interrupted by his angry tone, "Where have you been? You where suppose to be home hours ago!" He came towards me and before I could say a word he slap me with the back of his hand. I felt the blood running from my lower lip, and then I felt my head being slammed against the wall. I was trying to stable my self as I was being pulled against the floor. He started kicking me as he yelled "Where were you? At a club fucking some guy?! Ha? Well how was he you slut?!"

 

I thought about answering him, trying to explain, but my body was hurting so badly I couldn't bring myself to say anything except for the moans that came out of my mouth as a result from the pain. And besides, I knew that telling him the truth won't help, it never had for the last seventeen months; since I moved in with him.

 

After about ten minutes – which seemed like a life time- of kicking my entire body Ethan took off his pants and ripped mine off; put a condom on himself and without any sort of preparation slummed hard into me making me scream from the pain. He continued thrusting hard into me again and again making my ass bleed until he came. Once he did, he got up, disposed of the used condom and left me bleeding on the floor as he went to the bathroom and then to bed. I was left to spend the night on the floor.

 

And here I am now, cleaning and rubbing my own blood off the floor, the wall and some of the very few furniture we have; trying to make sense into why am I still here and how did I got here. I hear my father's words floating back to me; Every time he was beating me since I was a little kid he kept saying that this is my punishment for not following his rules, and later on, for being gay. 

 

And now, with Ethan…the one who was suppose to help me escape from that hell I was living; who promised me a new life... safe ones; he's hurting me more than I thought possible. And though I know that I deserve it for being stupid enough to fall for his shit, I don’t think that I can take any more of living like this; working mornings 'til evenings and being abused by my 'loving' boyfriend as I get 'home'.

 

I need to find a way out. I probably would have left a long time ago if I had where to go, but unfortunately, I don't. My father was my only living family and now that I got out, I'm in no hurry to go back. I hear the door being unlocked, Ethan is home.


	2. No Looking Back

~Justin POV~

I have this feeling of de ja vu doing this; walking back from the hospital to Ethan's place. Funny, even though I've been living there for so long I can't bring myself to think of it as home anymore. But I guess it doesn't really matter, not anymore. I'm so scared about what I'm about to do; I'm not even sure about how I'll do it. But I will; I must.

 

I'm so glad Ethan hasn't come to walk me to the apartment. I don't know if I would be able to face him; not without doing something that will 'make' him do something to me. I have no idea how to tell him what needs to be said once I'll face him in the apartment. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do it at all. Suddenly I realize I'm there. I take a deep breath and look up at the evening's sky, trying to see… what… I'm not even sure… I close my eyes for a moment before I slowly will myself to walk in.

 

~Ethan POV~

He's coming back from the hospital today; in fact, he should be here any moment now. I thought about going there and be with him while he's being released; but I have learned from past experiences that it will be easier for both of us to let him come home by himself. I didn't mean for him to get there again, to hurt him; I never meant to do that, I love him. It's just that Justin… he keeps getting on my nerves, keeps pushing my buttons. He needs to learn not to do that. And that is the only way to teach him.

 

I was playing my violin as he finally walked in around dinner time. His body seams weak, like he can barely keep himself from falling. He looks at me with sadness in his beautiful blue eyes, sadness that is just for me… good it means I got to him. He looks as he about to say something but I stop him by speaking myself "It's okay; I forgive you." I say that as I approach him and put my arms around him and hold him tight. He stiffs a bit but I hold my temper, reminding my self he just got back from the hospital and his body probably just aches a bit.

 

"I was worried about you; I thought you'll be back earlier. I love you so much… don't let me worry about you like that again okay?" I told him as my arms still wrapped strongly around him. I feel him nod, his face buried against my chest, I sigh before continuing "… I don't want you to go the hospital ever again, but for that to happen you need to learn not to do these things to me anymore; do you understand? Can you see what I'm saying? I love you so much and I don't ever want to hurt you, so make me do this again okay?" He nods.

 

I then let my arms slid of his body and took his hand in mine. I led him over to the bedroom and took of mine, and then his clothes. I looked at standing in front of me. Even with all the bruises, cuts and scars covering his body, he still looks so beautiful… I let my hands travel all over his body and then lowering his body over to the bed. It suddenly hit me that he hasn't said a word since he came in. I started stroking him while looking at him… at his sky blue eyes and his beautiful blond hair.

 

"Tell me you love me" I said as I kept stroking him and locked my eyes with his. "I do" I heard his weak voice reply. "Good" I said before crashing my lips over his; kissing him hard and demanding entrance with my tongue. I kept stroking him until he came and then rolled him over to his stomach and whispered in his ear "I'm going to make love to you now" before taking out a condom and putting it on me. I kissed him and slowly entered. I felt him stiffed and whimper from the pain so I waited a moment, allowing him to adjust; once he did I continued thrusting until I came. I rolled off of him and disposed of the condom before taking him in my arms. Exhausted, he fell asleep almost immediately; I watched him sleep until sleep took over me and I drifted off myself.

 

~Justin POV~

At first I don't hear or feel anything, it's like I'm watching a movie or something; but then I feel it all. I feel the sharp pain of the knife on my back, I feel the floor making contact with my body and I vaguely hear Ethan yells at me. And then I close my eyes and everything is gone.

 

I woke up covered with cold sweat from a dream, anxiously I opened my eyes to the dark night, the moon is shading some light over the apartment, I'm trying to tell myself that it's just a dream, a nightmare… only it's not. That night took place about two months ago, and though it hasn't been mentioned since I got out of the hospital, like all of the other nights, my body remembered it all too well. 

 

It's not like it was the first time he got me in the hospital, it wasn't even the worse, and it certainly wasn't the last I've seen of that damn hospital either, hell I just got back from my latest visit less the 24 hours ago. I gave up counting how many times I was there, or just how many scars are there on my body. Well, at least all the serious ones are on my back and the rest are hard to notice; unless you're trying to look for them. But all of this doesn't matter anymore; things are going to be different now. I've already made my decision before walking in here last evening.

 

I get up from the bed, slowly easing myself out of Ethan's arms so I wouldn’t wake him up. I look at the clock; it says 4:27am. I take a good look at Ethan's sleeping form, remembering the way it used to be, the way it way before my dad… before Craig kicked me out. When thinking about it, I understood it when Craig would hit me, I really did. He make it very clear that the only reason I'm there is because my mother wanted me, not him; and after she died when I was nine, well, things just went from bad to worse; after all -to him- there was no reason for me being there anymore and he wanted me to remember that.

 

But Ethan… Ethan said he loved me… no, he says he does, even this evening when I came back from the hospital he told me so… and then he maid love to me. but if so, why is he keep hurting me? Making -what he calls- *love* to me while I'm in pain?... I wish I knew what is it I did that made him start, so I could undo it. Hearing him telling me to promise I won't do it again… do what?! I walk over to the bath room, and stand in front of the full body size mirror, taking a good look at my naked body. 

 

Though it's dark I can clearly see the dark bruises that cover most of my body and stand out on my pail skin. I can see the unnoticeable scars on my thighs and turn to see as much as I can on the long, ugly scars that are covering most of my back. I turn my front to face the mirror again and take a good look at my face. I brush the hair that covers my forehead away and take a good strong look at my latest scar.

 

I've dropped my hand, allowing my hair fall back to where it had been, covering the scar. I look deep into my blue eyes and let the tears come out. I don't make a sound, I don't even let go of my own gaze. After a while I just stopped and wiped my face. I sighed and though to myself 'it's now or never' before making my move and walking out of the bathroom.

 

Fast, yet silently, I walked back to the bedroom, got dressed and took my two backpacks that I brought here with me all this months ago, and quickly put all of my clothes, sketchpads and art supplies I had in them; all the while keep glancing over at Ethan as he slept on the bed. Finally I took my wallet, college acceptance and plane ticket that were hidden in the dresser.

 

I walked over to the door and took one last look at the man and place the brought me so much pain before opening it and stepping out and closing the door to this part of my life; hoping I would never have to face it again. I walked out of the building and hitched a cab over to the airport; I was on my way to my new life.


	3. No Looking Back

~Justin POV~

I was sitting on a plane, on my way to the new life I'm about to build for myself away from New York. Looking out thru the window, not really staring into anything; I was thinking. My mine drifted off to the events of my life, the last year and a half I spent living with Ethan, and to the eighteen years before that.

 

So much has change since I came out at sixteen; back then I tricked and partied as much as I could… however I'm no longer that cocky frustrated kid I was back then that use tricks to take his mind of the hell known to him as home; needless to say my tricking days are over. The last thing I need is to start explain the scars to nameless tricks or old fuck-buddies.

 

I still can't believe I've managed to get a full college scholarship; I mean, yeah I'm smart- hell I've gotten 1500 on my SATs; but this is an art school, 'Institute of Fine Arts'; despite the fact that I've always wanted to be an artist and that I know that my sketches and paintings are sufficiently good, a full scholarship?! That I had never guessed.

 

I'm not sure how long I've been like this- thinking and staring into nothingness, but my thoughts were brought back to the present by the voice of the flight captain announcing that we'll be landing at our destination soon. Well Pittsburg, here I come.

 

Five weeks later…

 

I was sitting on my bed in the middle of a sketch when Xavier, my dorms roommate at PIFA, entered the room. Unlike myself his studying is in the music field- he plays the Sax; He's this huge 6'3 black guy, really muscular, that if I didn't know better I'd think he's some gangster or something… Good thing that in reality he's a big Nelly queen, don't think I would have made it otherwise… 

 

"Hey J, how're your studies doing, your busy?" he got this huge smirk on his face that I don't even want to think what he has in planned for me… "Hmm… kind of; why, what's on your mind?" "I thought you might wanna come with me and my cousin Daphne… you remember her right?" I nod my head "… well anyway I thought you might wanna accompany us to Babylon tonight, what do you say?"

 

I'm not really sure what to answer him; I'm running out on excuses, I guess I'll go with the 'too busy' again "Actually I think I better stay and work some more on my studies…" "Oh come on! You haven't been out partying since the day you showed up at school! And done nothing but studying, when was the last time you even got laid?!" "Xavier!!" "What? You know I'm right" "Look, there just some things you don't understand…" "Then explain it to me!"

 

I sigh. Can I explain it to him? Things have changed so much for me since I got here five weeks ago; it's actually the first time since my mother died that I lived with peace, without having to worry about getting beaten up. I haven't woken up from a nightmare in over a week, all of my cuts and bruises are gone by now and the only indications left of my past are the scars on my back and the one on my temple- but that one is hidden by my hair. I was hoping that I could just hide it, avoid tricking and by that, not worry about people trying to fine out what's going on…

 

But Xavier and I became friends, and I even like his cousin Daphne- a total fag hug and it's obvious that he is not gonna let it fly, so I guess I'll have to let him in on it. I just hope he won't change his opinion on me, or start acting differently. I put down my sketch book before addressing him "Ok, I'll explain but there is something you have to promise me first" he looks at me with questioning eyes and I continue "…just, don't let it change your attitude and feelings toward me; it doesn't change anything… I'm still the same person you got to know these past five weeks. Ok?" 

 

He nods his head and sits next to me on the bed; and I just start talking; I don't tell him everything, I can't. But I tell him as much as I can, and I tell him why I don't trick and I never once look at him- afraid of what I might see in his eyes. Once I'm done he keeps silence and I slowly transfer my gaze from my hands to his eyes. He doesn’t say anything but hold my gaze and I can see not pity, but empathy in his eyes. We juts set like this for a while until he took my in his arms and hugged me tight and spoke "You have nothing to be ashamed at. It wasn't your fault; none of it. You're gonna be alright you know that?" I nodded my head "Yeah; I know."

 

One week later…

 

I woke up from a nightmare this morning, though I'm not really sure why. The last week, which has gone surprisingly well; Xavier hasn't changed his attitude towards me and although he keeps asking me to go partying with him whenever he goes, he backs off when I refuse. We did go around Liberty Avenue a couple of times and been to this little place- the Liberty Diner – but other than that I've pretty much kept to myself. The institute had a show of the new students last Monday, which was two days ago, and they actually put not one, but four of my works!

 

Xavier and Daph came, and they were both very supportive and great about everything. I wasn't too happy when I found out that Xavier told his cousin about what I told him, but I figured since we're becoming friends and gonna spend some time together and all, it's probably for the best; plus, it saves me from telling it all over again- one time was more than enough.

 

Anyway, back to the show; every thing was going smoothly and I got to meet the gallery owner- Lindsay and her wife Melanie. They both seem nice and Lindsay said she really liked my work and would love to see more of my works. The show ended at 11:30 and when I went to find out which of my works was actually sold I found out that ALL of them were. I was so surprised when I found out I almost had a fit…

 

My thoughts were interrupted by a sleepy Xavier "Hey, what're you doing up so early? I thought you didn't have any morning classes today" "I don't, juts woke up" "Oh, um," he seemed uncertain for a moment, as if trying to decide whether to continue or not "you had one of those… um, nightmares, you told me about the other day?" I shrug my shoulders thinking was it really a good idea to let him in on it. His voice brings me out of my thoughts "Well how about since we're both up will go out to Liberty Diner for breakfast?" I give him a small smile and we both get up to get ready and dressed. About fifteen minutes later we're off to the diner.


End file.
